Allison, if anyone understands what you're talking about it's me. I have always been fiercely independent, a super over achiever, an independent woman and strived to make my own living, my own way and my own mark on the world. I love to help "empower" women and help them avoid the victim trap or the princess or daughter paradigm and be the master of their own destiny. And yet.

That doesn't mean we don't love and need and adore those around us. Especially our significant other. Let me just say, without airing my own laundry, that I too have had to clean up this space and it can be a moment of uncomfortable vulnerability. Here we are trying to "own our own" lives and we have to admit that to do so emotionally we have to "give away" part of ourselves.

So... my advice, from the book: You have to Go or Grow. Meaning go along with the status quo... all strong warrioress, or you have to grow, into a loving and shared, mutually respecting relationship. If you want to stay with this person tell him so. If you want to be in a loving pair, let him know he is part of the important thing you consider "me" and that you will fight to keep him close. Let him know that you need to be reminded of this from time to time, and then let him tell you without it being a threat to the foundation you have built together.

In our Venn Diagram of relationships everyone is always a moving (yet whole!) circle and your circles need to overlap in a comfortable and healthy way. If yours moves to far to the outside, he needs to follow, or you need to move back, so the overlap remains "enough" whatever you choose that to be in your lives.

But know this: You can't always stay so stubbornly locked in one position and the relationships that last are those where give and take are part of it. Things change and jobs come and go, kids enter your life and then grow up and launch their own lives, and in the flow of a lifetime together there will be moments of conflict and challenge. if you love each other, try to work through it by talking (at the kitchen table or other neutral space, not in bed, for instance) and be willing to really listen, then decide how much you can shift and change while still staying yourself.