confidence gaps

Even now, at my age and level of accomplishment, I have confidence gaps. Especially when I'm training in the morning before work, like early when I'm sluggish and tired and not moving fast, there are times when I say to myself: "You suck"... Sorry that's the reality of it. Okay, I apologize for the bad language (My dad calls it "vulgar and he's totally right.) I could sugarcoat this but those are my words. When I'm running so slowly it could be through water, dragging myself around the trails of central park, or when I can't motor and spin my feet fast enough on the bike or I can't seem to smoothly pull myself through the water in the pool, my thoughts turn negative... I defeat myself with such nega-speak, even now after writing a book about how not to do this. Then out of the blue something happens, usually I see myself getting a little faster or comoparing myself to someone who is much, much better at the sport than I am (and I'm not keeping up but I'm in the game with that amazing person) and I realize, You don't suck, you're just working hard and finding it HARD WORK and that's not bad, in fact it's GOOD.

I have to remind myself you don't suck (terrible word I realize but hey, this is me talking to myself) and then I realize; it's hard because you are working hard. It's feeling terrible because you are challenging yourself, and that doesn't stink... it's actually an asset. You're building mental strength, resilience, and perseverance.

So then the next time I try to remember this process and it's like learning all over again. I have to go through the process again and again, and sometimes in work or in play (my training) or in parenting or friendship or family conflicts I realize: when it's hard, that can means it's worthwhile. If everything were easy, there would be no value in accomplishing the hard things. Like parenting and being a good spouse, friend, daughter, boss.

When things are tough and I am dragging, now I try to tell myself: you are training the brain ... not the body... to be resilient and stick with it and keep on going. When I'm feeling super sluggish I remind myself to stay with the program. And just sticking it out can be an accomplishment. I then realize, the brain is stronger than the body and if you can teach yourself to  stick it out and have resilience, everything else will follow.

Sometimes I tell myself: don't hate yourself for these gaps, since the gaps are there for a reason. Without them you'd never learn to get over them. So instead of saying You suck, I now try to remember to tell myself: You stick with it. You are trying, and that doesn't suck. In fact, it's what makes the final result worth working for. And sometimes that final result is even success.

Very together women told us we "need" this book!

We were signing books at my alma mater, the kind of excellent girls school that for generations has been educating and producing some of the most successful, type A, together women in the city. And in fact looking around the room I thought: these women, whether alums or current parents of students, do seem to have it all,  beautiful family, the high-income career, the amazingly fortunate chance to give back and do good for their community in meaningful ways. These women won't need our book, or if they do, they won't buy it in this company... will they? Turns out yes, they would and did and boldly so. "I am this woman!" one after another would say as she beamed at us over the table and I realized, it took me so long to admit all my foibles (and lets face it I don't pull back the curtain on all of them, just enough for volume 1!) yet here were smart, super achieving women, having no problem admitting their own imperfections and self-critical natures. One woman even said, "I have no problem with my issues! In fact, I LIKE my issues!" and then I realized that's because we all understand on some level that our issues are what make us strive to be better and achieve more, even as we wish we could shed them, solve them, or just put them in a box and never visit them again. Liking our issues, and owning up to them, is the first step to recognizing which ones are driving us, and which ones are just driving us crazy.

I turned on the Today Show and saw Diane Keaton being interviewed by Meredith Vieria about her new movie, Morning Glory, and Keaton explained that she modeled her character on a famous morning show hostess (Diane Sawyer) but only the good parts. The narcissism aspect of her character? Who is that based on? Vieria asked Keaton. Oh that's me!" Keaton explained and went on to laugh. I'm a total narcissist." and then she listed about four other foibles or faults that are hers to own and hold dear, such as not caring about what others think of her un-PC swearing, ("balls to the floor," can I say THAT on national TV?") or that she enjoys doing things wrong (to piss off her perfectionist dad) and that's what lead her into physical comedy. "Because wrong is funny and funny is money!" she explained. Keaton was basically celebrating her own "wrong" behavior, her messes in her rooms, as if they are her helpful reminders against thinking she were perfect. Perfect, for women, is the enemy, since by the time we're Keaton's age we start to get cozy with imperfections, and in fact have mastered them.

But this takes time, a lifetime in fact and Keaton is old enough to own up to her personal quirks, and make a living off of laughing at herself. Finally now at 50 I get it. I wish I'd known it sooner: No one has it all, all at once, and it seems that these smart women had zero trouble admitting it, even seem happy to have issues!

And I started to wonder: is it no longer chic to pretend to have it all together? Is it cooler to admit "i have issues!" and then you don't seem so enviable or unlikeable for being too perfect? I think women like to make others feel better around us by saying something self-deprecating about ourselves.  Or maybe that's just my issue. I can be competitive in sports but in life? I put myself down, and it's not necessary or even true. Because even those times when I "hate" myself (or my muscular thighs or my dried out hair or something equally superficial) i like the fact that I do!

Skyping into Nine Rooms Group!

Now that it's perfectly clear that I'm a slow motion blogger, you won't be surprised that this follow up post to my INCREDIBLE experience two weeks ago tonight, is just being written. You may wonder how we ever got the book written?? Wonder no more...Lucy is the most motivating (and lovingly demanding) writing partner one could ever imagine! And she kept me on deadline :)

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I was invited into a women's group in South Carolina to "meet" several wonderful women who have been using the Nine Rooms book as a template for their personal exploration. Despite initial technical challenges, we did it! I felt like I was actually sitting around the table, having a cup of tea and dessert, as I skyped into the discussion (an amazing feat for a technophobe).  These interesting and diverse women (none of whom knew each other before the 9-week group started) had a common goal: they wanted to explore deep parts of themselves and find out how to feel happier each day.

What I saw is that with this instructive format (two-hour meetings, one evening a week, over nine or so weeks, lead by someone who has read the book and is willing to share, encourage and facilitate discussion), almost any woman interested in increasing her self awareness can do so. And this is just one of the many formats in which the book can be used! These women got to know each other, share their stories (both positive and negative), hear constructive feedback, offer empathic advice, feel validated and personally GROW. I was blown away by their candor and their level of trust. With Kathy F, the fearless group leader, who gently but directly lead discussions, and the six group members who opened up honestly, so much territory was covered and self-knowledge gained. And I think they would all tell you that they can experience their own happiness more fully too.

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank these women for embracing this adventure using the Nine Rooms of Happiness. THIS is exactly why we wrote the book.

So Un-Zen!

This morning I got up, found a nearby yoga class and took my sore butt over there to stretch out my calves and hams and all the achy parts of my body after running the last 10 miles of the NYC Marathon course as my workout yesterday.

That's the good news. The bad? I rushed out the door, hopped on the scooter, got to the gym just in time for the early class (where I did not know the instructor but he turned out to be GREAT), whipped off my coat and grabbed a mat, set up by the mirror on the far end of the room away from most of the people who know what they're doing, and noticed: My top was inside out. A white tag was sticking out of my right rib cage, so no matter what pose I did, I saw it. I wondered if anyone else saw the tag. (Doubtful, but I worry that I always look like the pathetic beginner in class!)

I tried to breathe into my poses, but with even the smallest glimpse to the right my tag reminded me: always rushing, never Zen. Never on time, never in the moment. I am the least Zen person I know, I realize, so I tried to see this as a test: Could I, somehow, put the damn tag out of my mind? I was there. I was doing what was right for my body, trying to be healthy, trying to slow down, trying to take care of myself and put the negatives out of my brain.

If I could chase away the tag thoughts, I could chase away the "mini chocolates inhaled at the end of Halloween" thoughts. I could chase away the "be nicer to my husband" thoughts. I could chase away the "I should have worked this weekend" thoughts. The tag stood for all the ways I allow my brain to be polluted by negative thoughts. I call them nega-speak, and they can become a chorus of negative self-recriminations and drown out the positive thoughts and positive accomplishments...I ran 10 friggin' miles! I drove all over New England to visit my son, my daughter and bask in the glow of their happiness. I drove back to Connecticut with my daughter after she visited home and saw her BFFs for Halloween. I got to yoga!

The tag would not let me rip it out (some tags are strangely stubborn that way). But as I breathed, I realized: Let it go. Let it all go. My muscles started to relax, my calves lengthen, my heels get closer to the floor. I couldn't do the handstand, or even the backward bridge, but as the instructor said: no judgment, no anticipation, no expectation. Just breathe. I did. And somehow I saw that tag as my friend, a help, a reminder. It doesn't have to be perfect, this life. It just has to be appreciated. I may never be Zen, but I can try. I will keep on trying. Tags and all.

Bringing the book to life!!

First, a confession. I'm not a natural blogger and I struggle with each post. However, there is something brewing that is so exciting I actually couldn't wait to write.

Recently, I was contacted by a lovely woman in South Carolina named Kathy F who was inspired by the Nine Rooms and felt it would be helpful for her Women's Group. She wanted to lead these women on an emotional house building adventure by using the ideas in our book. I was blown away with her enthusiasm and creativity. She told me she was developing a weekly workshop exploring each room of the house, one room at a time, and using the key strategies in the book to do so. Using motivational video clips, songs and powerpoint (isn't she amazing?), she is now in the sixth or seventh week of her Nine Rooms group and LOVING it. She has invited me to join the actual group (via Skype) tomorrow night during their regular Tuesday evening meeting time. I am honored and cannot wait to "meet" them!

Stay tuned...I will report back on my experience. And if you are interested in starting your own group, just do it! Like Kathy, you can create and tailor your own Nine Rooms inspired adventure, or you can check out our Guidelines for Groups in the upcoming paperback edition (due out in Dec 2010)!! If you want to get going sooner, or have us "visit" one of your groups, please let us know. We're happy to help.

Here's to Nine Rooms' groups everywhere! Thank you for putting our words into practice. Catherine